December 2nd - A Bad Day

This is probably the worst roller coaster ride I've ever been on. Just when I was getting my appetite back I'm back down in the dumps.  I'm an eat when depressed/stressed/happy kind of girl so this is a completely new side of me who doesn't want to eat. Now I just worry about a number on a scale.  I find myself not wanting to talk to people I know (my family and co-workers) instead I want to hide in my dark, broken, lifeless shell of a human being and sleep.  Sobriety gets harder and my thoughts get darker with it. I'm hiding/hurting from something in my past.... I called and left a hypnotherapist a message today because I feel it would be the best and fastest way to get to the weed, but he hasn't returned my call yet. I begin working with a counselor on Wednesday, but what do I even say?  I'll just cover up my feelings as I always do.
I'm not happy with the direction of my life and I don't know where I want/need it to go.  Life is too short though. One second you are getting in a Porsche and the next you're engulfed in flames (R.I.P Paul Walker).  I can only pray and have faith in a higher power at this point.
Good night. Xoxo

Day 4 of my journey to recovery

Day 4 on my journey to recovery. I made the right choices last night although I drove around the liquor store 3 times and even pulled in the parking lot and parked my car. It was at that time I called a friend who helped talk me out of going into the store. I was so proud of myself when I drove away and went home instead. It was day 2 back at the gym for me and it felt good to be pumping iron into these muscles and actually meaning it. At this point I'm not trying to lose more weight, but because I haven't been eating I have to slowly increase my calories over the next few months to avoid to rebound effect. I'll keep you posted on my journey through recovery. Xoxo

The Breakup/Breakdown

So here I find myself having lost 12 lbs in the last month due to a break up and not eating due to stress. I don't recommend anybodu doing it that way.  So now at 120 lbs with little muscle left on me I went back to the gym today. Not too much because I'm still weak from not eating, but it felt great to do something again that I enjoy rather than drinking alcohol tohide from my pain.  I have become a violent and abusive drunk and I can't be that person anymore.  The love of my life has finally had enough and he's said goodbye. I never expected after 6 1/2 year's that today without him my life would be like this. We held it together for so long and were so in love.  So now I find myself wanting to journal this journey back to strength and help other's along the way if I can. My purpose is not just me anymore. Its about lifting other's as I heal myself.  I hope to have something new to share with you daily.  These are me currently, but I hope over the months I'll be able to show you progress pictures as I gain muscle back. Xoxo

Me at Coachella 2010.

Well I started this blog in September 2009 and by April 2010 I was in the best shape of my life!  Now here I am again fatter than ever and feeling like crap.  I've decided that this needs to become a lifestyle and I need to conquer my demon called alcohol.  It hasn't been a good 2012/2013 year for my physically, emotionally or financially and my friend alcohol is to blame.  So now I'm saying goodbye to my friend alcohol who has been dragging me through the mud and I'm picking myself up, wiping the mud off and starting over again. 
I never posted pictures of how I looked in April 2010 so I'm doing that now as a reminder of what I can do, and what I can look like!!  It's hard to put myself out there to strangers, but if I can help motivate one person it will be worth it.
Thank you for your support!